schizophrenia

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a case study. The military industrial complex is harassing me, specifically, because I are a skilled righter that had a breakdown in ROTC and this is where the funny comes in wherein I definitely gave the Army something.

The primary thing I experience is called “synchronicity.” Some people may be familiar with this term “objects of reference,” which is the closest I’ve found in mental health terminology, but Carl Jung describes this very well. It’s what a “burning bush” is in the Bible, and what “white rabbit” was to Neo in that small, unheard of movie about Judeo-Christian mysticism which is the reason everybody knows one specific math word.

Wonderful. Full of wonder, as my twelfth grade English teacher used to say. After that morning spat of almost shitting myself because by partner’s sexuality takes precedent in this household over my basic bodily functions, I kinda slunk into a funk, having seen how he got ANOTHER thing of DXM, and I did good preoccupying myself with some good writing. But it’s not enough. I’m alone. Forsaken by anyone who could care to be surrounded by liars and manipulators.

Schizophrenia is like a big box where a lotta different things people experience that we don’t fully understand are put, and also some types of liars. I’m diagnosed schizoaffective, and it is disorienting, the schizo aspects of that, which are only further enhanced by the bipolar aspects I experience; emotional dysregulation + psychosis = nightmare patient to doctors. And I was! But then I did a bunch of spiritual work thanks to psychedelics (to clarify, the drugs helped me see what I needed to do and then I did it consistently over years), and I’ve become, perhaps not a model patient, but I am not a concern like I used to be.

hello,